To look at the abyss of death, the water tower, the cliff...

Two years ago I posted the Water Tower (click)

There have been other times I thought of leaving the mortal coil. The cliff was one of them. I was in a car, I was driving up this mountain area and there is no rail there, nothing to prevent you from driving off it, and I could see myself doing that, just floor the gas and go into the air, fall, fall, end it all.

I was so hurt so angry, so sad, so everything that it just seemed that death would be better then dealing with any of it. Back then I still believed in God and afterlife - but I don't think those things entered my mind in that moment. Those are not the things that kept me from doing it.

Honestly, I guess in the end, I choose to be angry enough to fight more rather then give up, and even though the fighting more was pain, it was my pain to face. Maybe I could win.

So many other times, moments of passionate anger at everything, just wanting everything to shut up. I think that maybe is why men wind up gone more - we tend to be more willing to do the thing in a brutal way.

So, I've kept guns out of my life. I've kept very sharp knives away from myself. I've also just kept going forward. Even though it isn't fun, not existing isn't anything.

I don't always enjoy existing, but when I do enjoy it, well that is the part to enjoy right? You get there, you have that moment. Its worth something.

I'm worth something.

Even if sometimes and somedays I don't feel it.

You, whoever you are - are worth something.

This is true, and if needed I can prove it via logic.

Keep moving forward... you are not alone.